Tony Blair (me)
Less than human: Never believed except by the Queen
More than human: Teflon, except when blamed by women
Connections: Dubya, Mondeo Man
Prince William (thefon)
Less than human: Stupid unless wearing a nazi uniform.
More than human: people will do anything for him
Connections: Kate, Harry, The Horse Guards (as a group), Nanny (Tiggy L-P)
Prince Charles (simonjrogers)
Less than human: Nobody listens to him unless the press are there.
More than human: Animals and plants obey him as long as they are organic.
Connections: Muslim Council, Camilla, Tree
Prince Philip (Dave)
Less than human: Always insulting unless children are present
More than human: Everbody believes him unless he talks on social or racial issues.
Connections: Gurkha Gillie, Posse
The village is London and the outsiders God. The Queen wants the Almighty to see that she is doing her duty. The castle is Buckingham Palace.
William is told to take a corgi to the vet, he tempts it out with a footman as bait and gets it in a headlock.
Charles is told to disperse anti-hunt outside the gates. He distracts them with organic biscuits from his farm and sets the police on them.
Tony is told to stop our soldiers being killed in Iraq. Dubya is on a state visit so Tony brains him with a polo mallet until unconcious forcing a snap election in the US. The democrats win and the troops are withdrawn.
Philip is asked to make the Christmas broadcast more upbeat. He gets in with a posse from Peckham who also like guns and they provide a backbeat to Liz's rapping.
Straight outta windsor, crazy princes father, philip a dude
From the gang called royals with attitudes
Goin down to Peckham with my shooting break
Show those boys that I ain't no fake
We got the guns my gullies and me
We gonna bust a cap in the PDC
Yeah the Poverty Driven Children are gonna weep
Cos my range rover's gonna crush their jeeps
They might have cred, but I've got more
Liz is my homey, she ain't no whore
Backin' me up, she IS DA LAW
cos we're straight outta windsor
The horror is revealed to Wills, the corgis bite the rappers, get a taste for blood and go on a rampage.
Charlie makes an overture to the Muslim council, taking some organic sausages as a present. These are not terribly well received, nor is his promise to be the defender of all faiths. But they seem to like the old duffer.
Tony goes to see Dubya and feeds him burgers until he revives. All he can say is "Poodles, Afghanistan, Turrists" but no-one seems to notice.
Philip goes to hang out with his posse, taking his gillies and shooting break down to Peckham, Pimms is traded for crack and everyone gets on spiffingly.
Wills tries to impress Kate. Putting on his fancy dress nazi uniform he gets the gold coronation carriage and drives it down to her Mews flat. They have it off on the back seat and the press get the snaps.
Charlie spends the day with the Archbishop of Canterbury. To impress him he decides that all faiths is one too many and goes to do in the Catholic Cardinal Hume. He sets fire to him outside the Cathedral and nicks his hat.
The Queen decides that she wants to give an honour to the Borough of Walford for providing her with years of entertainment (from the soap opera Eastenders). Tony has the Borough of Westminster renamed. The House of Parliament becomes the Queen Vic, the Lords becomes the snug bar and the Commons the lounge bar. Liz drops down for a visit and declares "Get outta my pub, you're barred", with much giggling. She then sang God Save the Queen to the Eastenders' theme tune.
Philip is charged with finding a journalist who has infiltrated the staff. He sniffs him out using the corgis and installs him as the understairs gimp.
Wills takes some time out from his busy schedule to help with the hazing of the new Guards recruits.
Charles takes the Cardinal's hat and refashions it as something for Camilla. Although it still has part of the deceased primate's hair, he passes this off as a fur ruff.
Liz insists that Dubya address both bars of the Queen Vic. So as a storm rages outside, Tony has the lightning channeled into Dubya which revives him enough for another bout of "Poodles, Terrists, Afghanistan". The QUeen has crisps and a pint.
Philip decides to do something for his posse so he arranges for them to do a video with him called Philip does Paris, starring Paris Hilon and the understairs gimp.
Wills is told by the Queen to make sure Zara gets King Juan Carlos's good polo pony. However Wills resists and gives it to Harry instead. The Queen is enraged and sets about him in a fight for the throne [Endgame].
Developers in Hyde Park set about Charlie's favourite oak tree. He can't save it but he does bring away an acorn to plant.
Council Tax protesters attack No. 10 but Tony gives Euan drink and unleashes him,allowing him to slip up to the Palace.
Philip is sent to the tower for treason. Six Beefeaters go to drag him off but he bribes them with the dirty Paris Hilton video.
Wills and Liz showdown in a TV song and dance extravaganza, bhangra style. Tony and Charles slip Liz some gin and she makes a mess of her song. She is voted off as the weakest link and Wills wins. Hurrah!
Wills becomes the new king.
Tony is savaged to death by corgis.
Philip becomes a drug baron in Peckham
Charlie becomes the new Archbishop of almost all faiths.